Receiving...Not Just a Fixed Spine

     Well, here I am.  I've made it to 27.  There were some points recently that I was not so sure I would see it come.  While definitely filled with grace, blessings, and good memories, year 26 was one of the hardest yet, but I trust that God will continue to be faithful and work it for good as He sees fit.  I've had a lot of words in my head and my heart for quite some time, and I think I am ready to put some of it together.  As usual, writing helps me process when I am ready (as does talking to a wall or a another human :)).       
     Life is a gift--not always fun or easy or pleasant--but a gift nonetheless.  Health is also a gift, one that I will no longer take for granted.  As I sit here in the beautiful mountains of rural New Hampshire, I am able to breathe in the beauty, rest, and reflect on so many of the things God is teaching and showing me about Himself and my own heart.   

Beard's Brook, Hillsboro, NH

     Perhaps a quick background of the last few months will be helpful to provide some context.  I had spine surgery on May 9, 2018, and before that I went through a lot of waiting and many painful tests in preparation for the safest outcome.  April was a stressful month as I officially committed to surgery and began making preparations, stopped working and spending the days with my favorite littles/family, completed finals and interviews for school, moved to a new house with new roommates, got a call two nights before scheduled surgery to let me know it needed to be postponed another week, and found out my sweet Pop went to be with Jesus.  I missed people that I love and all the everyday life blessings that fill my regular schedule, time, and heart more than I knew I could.  Grief and fear and frustration and stress and anger filled a lot of those hours; however, I was ready to take on Wednesday, May 9, 2018, and come out with a fixed neck to press on to living life to the full.  Good news: I do have a fixed neck now (holla!), and I am doing well!!  Not as fun news: complications and an unexpected 10 day stay in the hospital.  I will spare you all the details, but it was a very horrible experience and traumatic on several different levels.  BUT GOD is showing me how He is/will and has already begun using it for good.
     Friends, it is so easy, at least for myself, to find worth in what we do.  It honestly took being stripped down to the most vulnerable, weak, and helpless position to show me how much of my worth I had let be tied into what I can do--whether that be for God, other people, or even myself.  These can be wonderful and good things--the ways we use our gifts daily in our work, relationships, tasks, to-do lists, free time etc.--but they are irrelevant to our worth and ability to be loved.  Now, listen people, I am not sure you quite know helplessness and vulnerability until someone has to spoon feed you, give you a shower, put your clothes on, and literally put you on the toilet as an adult.  I can (kind of ) laugh about it now, but, y'all, it was the definition of being stripped and forced to receive for me.  Because of those moments, God showed me that even if I was bound to bed or a couch for the rest of my life, Jesus is still worthy of all of my worship AND my worth remains unchanged because of Him.  Whether I lay on the couch for days on end or am serving others in very tangible, physical ways, He still calls me beloved and worthy just the same.  This was so freeing and overwhelming in the best ways for me, and I hope that can encourage your hearts today, too.  PS- I am SO thankful I do not have to lay on the couch forever! :) 

I don't usually pick a word or verse for the year, but this past January, I did.  And man, is God faithfully giving me opportunities to receive this year.  

          Another big area that God continues to show me is PEOPLE.  Missing people, while painful and hard, highlights the love I get to have for them and what gifts fill my life.  I am incredibly blessed and thankful.  It also gives me the challenge of thinking of new and creative ways to love when I am not able to be present in the more normal ways, and that, to me, is so FUN.  Also, when I would fear or expect people to peace out, they have continually showed up.  In their busy and full lives and schedules, they made time for me, even when they were not physically with me.  They made sure I knew that I mattered, that I was not alone, that I had people, that I was not crazy, that I had and could use my strong voice.  Texts, calls, visits, flowers, prayers--so much.  I have also learned that, especially when you are compromised and in the hospital, having people to advocate for you is so important and such a gift.  And man, was I blessed with the BEST to do that with and for me.  I really could go on and on about the specific ways and people who did that 10 days with me so well.  A few of them climbed in the trenches and lost sleep and brain space and felt all the things with me.  Safe places to not be okay and be human when it got to be too much.  When you have people like that, see God's love and faithfulness and choose to let that blow any lies or fear out of the water.  Even more than the friends He has provided, God showed me, often through them, that HE SEES ME.  HE KNOWS ME.  HE IS GOOD AND HAS NOT LEFT ME.  HE IS KIND AND WITHHOLDS NO GOOD THING FROM ME.  HE CRIES AND BREAKS WITH ME.  HE STAYS UP AT NIGHT WITH ME.  HE LAUGHS AT DUMB, HILARIOUS YOUTUBE VIDEOS AT 2AM WITH ME.  But, really.  Also.  I doubt He would enjoy thickened orange juice either.    

My friends got a pet therapy dog to come visit me.  They know the way to my heart :) 

[Also, not pictured but so worth a shout out: two of the best who came to see me nearly every day I was in the hospital and stayed with me all day for surgery.  They were also available at any hour of the day or night to pray or receive a panicked text or call.  They both have littles at home and demonstrate so well to them how to show up for the people you love.  Their love is fierce, and I am so grateful.]  

      

          Something else that I have gained from my time in the hospital is a greater empathy and compassion for patients going through a hospitalization.  While I cannot understand each individual circumstance, my heart is so for and with patients of all ages who go through the physical and emotional/mental pain of a hospitalization, surgery, or sickness.  I am thankful for the ways this experience has stretched, challenged, and grown my heart, and I am hopeful to use that as a strength somehow in my work and passion as a child life specialist one day.   
     Lastly, I have been learning how to rest.  If you know me at all, rest is not something I typically do well or speak about enjoying.  I usually keep myself very busy and going and doing, and I don't allow myself much free time.  I have also felt guilty for taking time to just do things that I want to do or enjoy.  I like to feel productive, and I truly, genuinely love to serve and care for other people.  While those things are great, I am learning the importance and blessing of rest.  I guess having a major surgery does force you to take like three naps a day for the first week or two, so quite literally, I rested like a newborn.  During these strange-feeling weeks, especially as I got to feeling more normal, I decided to count thankfuls, which has been helpful and led to a deep joy, instead of getting stuck in the things I miss or don't enjoy right now.  Both can exist simultaneously, but I've learned it is generally not helpful to focus only on the negative all of the time.  I have gotten to spend time with people, make my new room more of a cozy, peaceful home, knock out appointments/follow-ups, enjoy school, help friends out during the week day work hours, etc. I am SO excited to get back to my usual routine, and I am also very thankful for this time set apart.  I have also reminded myself about 100 times daily that this will not last forever.  You should try it when you're having a rough day, or week, or month, or year. :) 
     As I mentioned in the beginning, I was able to fly up to NH for ten days to visit with my friends and enjoy the beautiful countryside and mountains and weather here.  I think, sometimes, it is easier to rest in a place that is outside of your normal, daily life.  I love these forever friends, and getting over a week to live life and catch up with them is so lovely.  It has also given me time to go for peaceful walks, get a lot of school done, and sit down and write.  As I wrap up, I just have to include a few more pictures because this is just one of the most beautiful places on earth.

    

 "I can see the promise.  I can see the future.  You're the God of seasons; I'm just in the winter.  If all I know of harvest is that it's worth my patience, then if You're not done working, God, I'm not done waiting.  You can see my promise even in the winter 'cause You're the God of greatness, even in a manger.  For all I know of seasons is that You take Your time.  You could have saved us in a second; instead, You sent a Child."

-Hillsong