What is Child Life?

           The field of child life has the power to impact children and families in meaningful and lasting ways.  Child life specialists provide support, preparation, resources, and normalization of the hospital or medical setting for children and their families through therapeutic play and relationships, procedure preparation, distraction, education, grief and bereavement support, school re-entry, and advocation.  What does that look like? 

            Child life teams make sure children do not go through these hard things alone.  They are there.  They are with.  Every step.  Every procedure, surgery, treatment, and diagnosis.  Though child life specialists cannot fix or change the illness or circumstance in which each child and family find themselves, they can bring some hope and light into the hard and dark.  I think of a quote by Glennon Doyle about the importance of being seen and heard: “You know, what strikes me is how desperately we all need to know that we are seen and heard. We don’t need our lives to be different, or easier, we just need someone to see the pain. To know what we’ve faced and overcome. To say: Yes. I see this. This is real.  We don’t need a magician to take it all away – we just need a witness.”  When children are seen and heard, they can feel empowered to keep pressing on and fighting for healing.  Their resilience and perseverance are truly inspiring.  Though sometimes as a CCLS you may feel helpless during a hard procedure as you exhaust your options for distraction and coping, the patients can still walk away knowing and remembering that someone cared for, supported, and focused on them.  That is something not to be taken lightly and that can truly leave a lasting impression.      

            Child life specialists strive to be fully present and engaged in the amount of time they have with each patient.  A CCLS will stand for an extended period with tired arms and legs holding a distraction tool for a patient during a hard procedure.  They listen to, give breaks, and provide resources for parents.  They will support the parent and let them know they are doing a good job.  Sometimes, patients and families need to hear a “You got this,” or “You are doing an awesome job,” and child life gets to offer that every single day.  They celebrate the completion of every poke, procedure, and milestone—no matter how big or small—because it truly is worth celebrating.  They will take an extra step to remember what returning patients enjoy and prepare their rooms with those things to greet them when they arrive.  They validate feelings and create a safe space for expression of all types of emotion while also setting boundaries and preparing patients for procedures and his or her job each step of the way.  They do not shy away from a patient’s pain, but instead enter the trenches with him or her.  They treat each patient equally with honesty, compassion, praise, encouragement, and coaching.

            I truly believe there is no better job or purpose to devote my life to than child life.  It is something that I now feel like I was born for and prepared for my whole life without even knowing.  This passion continues to fuel chasing after this dream each day, and as long as the doors continue opening, I will joyfully keep walking through them.                   

Receiving...Not Just a Fixed Spine

     Well, here I am.  I've made it to 27.  There were some points recently that I was not so sure I would see it come.  While definitely filled with grace, blessings, and good memories, year 26 was one of the hardest yet, but I trust that God will continue to be faithful and work it for good as He sees fit.  I've had a lot of words in my head and my heart for quite some time, and I think I am ready to put some of it together.  As usual, writing helps me process when I am ready (as does talking to a wall or a another human :)).       
     Life is a gift--not always fun or easy or pleasant--but a gift nonetheless.  Health is also a gift, one that I will no longer take for granted.  As I sit here in the beautiful mountains of rural New Hampshire, I am able to breathe in the beauty, rest, and reflect on so many of the things God is teaching and showing me about Himself and my own heart.   

Beard's Brook, Hillsboro, NH

     Perhaps a quick background of the last few months will be helpful to provide some context.  I had spine surgery on May 9, 2018, and before that I went through a lot of waiting and many painful tests in preparation for the safest outcome.  April was a stressful month as I officially committed to surgery and began making preparations, stopped working and spending the days with my favorite littles/family, completed finals and interviews for school, moved to a new house with new roommates, got a call two nights before scheduled surgery to let me know it needed to be postponed another week, and found out my sweet Pop went to be with Jesus.  I missed people that I love and all the everyday life blessings that fill my regular schedule, time, and heart more than I knew I could.  Grief and fear and frustration and stress and anger filled a lot of those hours; however, I was ready to take on Wednesday, May 9, 2018, and come out with a fixed neck to press on to living life to the full.  Good news: I do have a fixed neck now (holla!), and I am doing well!!  Not as fun news: complications and an unexpected 10 day stay in the hospital.  I will spare you all the details, but it was a very horrible experience and traumatic on several different levels.  BUT GOD is showing me how He is/will and has already begun using it for good.
     Friends, it is so easy, at least for myself, to find worth in what we do.  It honestly took being stripped down to the most vulnerable, weak, and helpless position to show me how much of my worth I had let be tied into what I can do--whether that be for God, other people, or even myself.  These can be wonderful and good things--the ways we use our gifts daily in our work, relationships, tasks, to-do lists, free time etc.--but they are irrelevant to our worth and ability to be loved.  Now, listen people, I am not sure you quite know helplessness and vulnerability until someone has to spoon feed you, give you a shower, put your clothes on, and literally put you on the toilet as an adult.  I can (kind of ) laugh about it now, but, y'all, it was the definition of being stripped and forced to receive for me.  Because of those moments, God showed me that even if I was bound to bed or a couch for the rest of my life, Jesus is still worthy of all of my worship AND my worth remains unchanged because of Him.  Whether I lay on the couch for days on end or am serving others in very tangible, physical ways, He still calls me beloved and worthy just the same.  This was so freeing and overwhelming in the best ways for me, and I hope that can encourage your hearts today, too.  PS- I am SO thankful I do not have to lay on the couch forever! :) 

I don't usually pick a word or verse for the year, but this past January, I did.  And man, is God faithfully giving me opportunities to receive this year.  

          Another big area that God continues to show me is PEOPLE.  Missing people, while painful and hard, highlights the love I get to have for them and what gifts fill my life.  I am incredibly blessed and thankful.  It also gives me the challenge of thinking of new and creative ways to love when I am not able to be present in the more normal ways, and that, to me, is so FUN.  Also, when I would fear or expect people to peace out, they have continually showed up.  In their busy and full lives and schedules, they made time for me, even when they were not physically with me.  They made sure I knew that I mattered, that I was not alone, that I had people, that I was not crazy, that I had and could use my strong voice.  Texts, calls, visits, flowers, prayers--so much.  I have also learned that, especially when you are compromised and in the hospital, having people to advocate for you is so important and such a gift.  And man, was I blessed with the BEST to do that with and for me.  I really could go on and on about the specific ways and people who did that 10 days with me so well.  A few of them climbed in the trenches and lost sleep and brain space and felt all the things with me.  Safe places to not be okay and be human when it got to be too much.  When you have people like that, see God's love and faithfulness and choose to let that blow any lies or fear out of the water.  Even more than the friends He has provided, God showed me, often through them, that HE SEES ME.  HE KNOWS ME.  HE IS GOOD AND HAS NOT LEFT ME.  HE IS KIND AND WITHHOLDS NO GOOD THING FROM ME.  HE CRIES AND BREAKS WITH ME.  HE STAYS UP AT NIGHT WITH ME.  HE LAUGHS AT DUMB, HILARIOUS YOUTUBE VIDEOS AT 2AM WITH ME.  But, really.  Also.  I doubt He would enjoy thickened orange juice either.    

My friends got a pet therapy dog to come visit me.  They know the way to my heart :) 

[Also, not pictured but so worth a shout out: two of the best who came to see me nearly every day I was in the hospital and stayed with me all day for surgery.  They were also available at any hour of the day or night to pray or receive a panicked text or call.  They both have littles at home and demonstrate so well to them how to show up for the people you love.  Their love is fierce, and I am so grateful.]  

      

          Something else that I have gained from my time in the hospital is a greater empathy and compassion for patients going through a hospitalization.  While I cannot understand each individual circumstance, my heart is so for and with patients of all ages who go through the physical and emotional/mental pain of a hospitalization, surgery, or sickness.  I am thankful for the ways this experience has stretched, challenged, and grown my heart, and I am hopeful to use that as a strength somehow in my work and passion as a child life specialist one day.   
     Lastly, I have been learning how to rest.  If you know me at all, rest is not something I typically do well or speak about enjoying.  I usually keep myself very busy and going and doing, and I don't allow myself much free time.  I have also felt guilty for taking time to just do things that I want to do or enjoy.  I like to feel productive, and I truly, genuinely love to serve and care for other people.  While those things are great, I am learning the importance and blessing of rest.  I guess having a major surgery does force you to take like three naps a day for the first week or two, so quite literally, I rested like a newborn.  During these strange-feeling weeks, especially as I got to feeling more normal, I decided to count thankfuls, which has been helpful and led to a deep joy, instead of getting stuck in the things I miss or don't enjoy right now.  Both can exist simultaneously, but I've learned it is generally not helpful to focus only on the negative all of the time.  I have gotten to spend time with people, make my new room more of a cozy, peaceful home, knock out appointments/follow-ups, enjoy school, help friends out during the week day work hours, etc. I am SO excited to get back to my usual routine, and I am also very thankful for this time set apart.  I have also reminded myself about 100 times daily that this will not last forever.  You should try it when you're having a rough day, or week, or month, or year. :) 
     As I mentioned in the beginning, I was able to fly up to NH for ten days to visit with my friends and enjoy the beautiful countryside and mountains and weather here.  I think, sometimes, it is easier to rest in a place that is outside of your normal, daily life.  I love these forever friends, and getting over a week to live life and catch up with them is so lovely.  It has also given me time to go for peaceful walks, get a lot of school done, and sit down and write.  As I wrap up, I just have to include a few more pictures because this is just one of the most beautiful places on earth.

    

 "I can see the promise.  I can see the future.  You're the God of seasons; I'm just in the winter.  If all I know of harvest is that it's worth my patience, then if You're not done working, God, I'm not done waiting.  You can see my promise even in the winter 'cause You're the God of greatness, even in a manger.  For all I know of seasons is that You take Your time.  You could have saved us in a second; instead, You sent a Child."

-Hillsong 

           

I had no idea I had waited my whole life for this: Uganda 2017

Writing is a great way to process for myself (perhaps I should do it more than a few times a year ha!), and I know a lot of people are beginning to ask about my trip to Uganda.  Life is busy, and it is hard to match schedules and have time to connect (though I'd love to do so!), so I thought I'd start here.

Jet lag is clearing, and I am beginning to process the last two weeks of life.  They were some pretty special ones.  Many kind souls have been praying, and I am SO grateful.  The Lord has done and continues to do so much in Africa and America and everywhere in between, including the heart of Heather.  I have countless stories and hundreds of pictures to spur memories that could be recounted and retold for hours.  Perhaps a few of them will make their way here.  Maybe more will be shared over coffee someday.

Where to start...well, returning back to reality and life here has been more of a challenge than I expected.  While it is good to be home and see some dear people, I miss Africa (the people, the land, the new view of freedom, the beauty, the space, the grace experienced and shared there, the joy, the culture and way of community, and on and on).  It is also a strange thing to try to figure out how the ways my heart has been forever changed fit back into my life here in North Carolina.  I know that it does and will happen, but I am finding that it is an adjustment that doesn't automatically happen and feel good.  In fact, the honest truth...it can seem a bit isolating.  Hello, what they must call reverse culture shock :).  It isn't really possible to put into words or explain an experience like this, which can be hard or lonely or overwhelming, but at the same time so cool that God is so big and great and immeasurable and chooses to keep changing our hearts.  I've also jumped straight into some hard realities that feel a bit brutal...think solo pool trip, high dive, jump, no water ;).  BUT the same Jesus that was near and present in Nebbi, Uganda, is right here in North Carolina.  The evidences of grace seen so clearly in Africa can be found just as much here in America.  The glimpses of sweet community there are still very much God's heart for us here.  These things make me incredibly grateful, hopeful, and praying for open eyes and a lens to see like that here in the moments.

At the end of each day, our team sat down together, and we each shared an evidence of grace from the day.  This was such a blessing and something I looked forward to and loved.  It was so cool because we got to see even more of Jesus than we would on our own because we had fourteen sets of eyes and perspectives!  We all mentioned the team unity the Lord provided.  It was amazing to come on this trip without really knowing one another and to part eleven days later feeling like family (a word I don't use frivolously).

The following is one of (well, actually a lot of) my personal evidences of grace from the beginning of the trip.  We had quite the travel adventures and events (there and back haha) which included having "technical difficulties" with our plane and turning back halfway in the air between Qatar and Uganda.  We were then loaded onto a different plane for take 2 of that 5.5 hour flight, which did indeed make it safely :).  Once at our hotel in Nebbi, I walked into my room, and all of the hard things, anxiety, first-time-out-of-the-country-without-people-I-knew-well fear, and culture shock completely overwhelmed my jet-lagged self.  Though still excited to be there, I was nothing short of a hot mess.  After praying and trying to read Scripture, I attempted to message a couple friends on the other side of the world (because that is logical, right ;)), but wi-fi and time differences failed me.  That sounds pretty not fun, yes?  Truth...BUT the sweetest grace came from it!  I went and knocked on the door of Jay and Kim, a couple on our team that I would quickly find out are two of the most amazing humans ever.  Jesus reminded me, through them, to "take a deep breath" and that I was not alone.  From that point forward, excitement, joy, and peace flooded my heart, even and especially when challenges arose.  That evening was followed quickly by the next morning.  We arrived at Acres of Hope for their church service, and the moment we saw, heard, and joined those sweet, sweet children singing and dancing in worship to Jesus, I forgot all of the hard things in about two seconds and there was no other place I wanted to be.  It was pure joy.  The sweetest of worship.  All of us from different backgrounds and places together worshiping our One, true God and Rescuer.  I had never experienced anything like it.  But y'all...the joy just kept coming.  As soon as the service was over, I was swarmed with kiddos from three years old to teenagers, all around me and on top of me, touching me, playing with my hair, talking to me, hugging me, looking at me, asking me to be their friend...I realized and remember thinking in that moment that I had been waiting my whole life for this, but I had no idea.  My heart had completely burst open, and I knew I would never be the same again.

💗

JOY.

Jay and Kim!

As we went through the week, our two main projects were building the aquaponics system and the pastor's conference.  About half of our team was in the village for the conference Monday-Wednesday, and half of us stayed at Acres of Hope focused on digging and pumps and rocks and drinking water :).  We were all able to join in to make the final preparations for the fish arrival on Thursday after the conference was over.  Throughout each day, we were able to spend time getting to know the kids from the village and Acres of Hope as well as the house moms and staff.  They were so welcoming and kind, and I learned so much about hospitality and doing life together from them.  Another cool evidence of grace was my interaction and conversations with teenage girls over the week.  The littles are usually my sweet spot (and there was definitely plenty of time to love on them too :)), but several specific girls would find me and walk with me, bring me water, show me around, watch everything I did, ask me questions, write me letters, and soak up every moment they could.  My heart loved every second.  The question I was most asked was "Do you have a father and a mother?"  This led to some good conversation and made me reflect on the body of Christ.  "So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord."  Eph. 2:19-21  

I wanted them to know that they could not be any more loved by God if they lived with two parents, and they cannot be any less loved or valued when they don't.  This is the gospel.  In order to truly believe that for them, I also had to remember to belief it for myself.  Another example of Jesus working in our hearts as we love others.

There were definitely tears when it came time to say goodbye, but the memories and people will be pictures in my mind forever.  I was reminded that goodbyes really aren't supposed to feel good or easy or natural to us because we were created by God for eternity spent with Him.  

We were given the task to put the pumps together and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

Working so hard holding that plastic down ;)

Obviously very safe.

These two asked to be my best friends and stayed by my side the whole week. 

And my sweet buddy!  

            Always curled up in my lap

As I relive these sweet memories and share some stories, I realize there are so, so many more.  But alas, I cannot keep writing a book here.  That book is written in my heart, and I'm grateful.  I pray that it keeps shaping my thoughts and my life in the best ways.  I have been back in America for close to a week now, but much of my heart remains in Africa.  I feel like this has been slightly stream of consciousness with a dose of jet lag fog, but there are two things I want to include before I wrap up.

1. When we drove through Uganda on the way to Nebbi, I saw the most desperate situations, suffering, and poverty.  I had read about it in books, heard stories, or seen movies, but when I actually entered into the lives affected by it, I was undone and moved in ways I cannot describe.  Without knowing their names or even where I was, I knew right away that I loved these people and this land, and I was so happy to be here.  I also knew I would learn so much from them, and I surely did.  They may have access to very little material things, but their joy is great.  Their smiles are the brightest, most beautiful, and they so often get what really matters.  Community and doing life together, caring for one another was so evident.  We spent the week empowering one another in different ways with love both given and received.  So much grace. 

2. Last, but not least.  One of the greatest meals around the table with people I have had in my entire life.  I am not exaggerating, I promise.  Quick background...we missed our flight out of Uganda to come home, which was very stressful and required prayer and adapting to the change of plans.  Little did we know the wonderful, most grace-filled time the Lord had prepared for us for our extra night in Africa.  We stayed in a beautiful, peaceful hotel that felt like a retreat, and the best part was dinner.  All six of our little travel group spent hours around that table together.  No rush, fully present.  We talked, shared, laughed, cried, ate, and genuinely enjoyed one another's presence.  It felt like family.  And maybe even the littlest glimpse of heaven.  We shared evidences of grace together, and I choked out, "Mine is being at the table with you guys."  This was the clearest grace to me on many levels, and the sweetest taste of His goodness.  I will never forget that dinner.    

I am thankful there is always room at the table.

We made it back home!     

"Sing to God, sing praises to his name; lift up a song to him who rides through the deserts; his name is the Lord; exult before him!  Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.  God settles the solitary in a home; he leads out the prisoners to prosperity."  Psalm 68:4-6

Life and Brave

“Oh my God, what if you wake up some day, and you’re 65, or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written; or you didn’t go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life, of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid?  It’s going to break your heart.  Don’t let this happen.”

~Anne Lamott

I haven’t written on here in a long while.  I write to process, to remember, to mark the goodness of God in my life.  I love stories—to hear them and to share them. 

I share this bit of background or preface because I think it is necessary to point to solid truths the Lord has been reminding me of this week.  I had been having various health issues (not serious) that all kind of came to a point this last week, resulting in three procedures being scheduled to hopefully conclude some answers to move forward with being a healthy twenty-five year old.  Full disclosure: I was overwhelmed, anxious, dreading it, feeling weak, fighting my pride in needing to receive help, calling it my “brave week” to make myself walk through it, and received LOTS of encouragement and truth and love from several dear ones in my life.  Once again, evidence of grace and strength that does not come from me.

I thought the hardest part was over and went in for my last set of procedures, sarcastically joking with a friend about all the risks you must read over before being sedated.  Our last text went something like this:

“The last risk for each of these tests is death haha.  Well, I’ll see ya on the flip side.”  “It’s been real.” 

Little did I know, I’d come a little closer to that than expected.  I had a breathing complication coming out of the anesthesia and sedation, which resulted in being put on life support for a day.  This seems surreal even still, but by the grace of God, I am obviously okay and recovering well on my way back to normal.  This background, however is not the focus or point of this story.  It’s just the spring board to so many beautiful things impressed upon my heart.

First, the verse in Proverbs 16:9 keeps replaying in my head, even while in the hospital.  “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”  Let’s be real, though, I was frustrated and remember saying “This was not in my plans!”  Then, this truth settled in my mind and provided a refuge in my heart, knowing that our good Father is in control.  At first, that stripping and realizing I am not actually in control of my life and breath did not feel good or comforting…instead, it was sobering and forced me to turn my eyes up to the Lord. 

Second, the reality that life is a precious, one-time gift is more true and real to me now.  A renewed passion and energy to live fully and love deeply and enjoy the littlest things and taste the good and hard of life and to live with purpose, all sprinkled with a thankfulness in my heart.  We really are not guaranteed tomorrow, but the One who holds every future is good and gracious.  The words from the song “Great are You, Lord” have been replaying in my mind—“You give life, You are love, You bring light to the darkness.  You give hope, You restore every heart that is broken.  Great are You, Lord.  It’s Your breath in our lungs, so we pour out our praise to You only.”  I want to live pouring out praise in the way I speak, serve, think, love, and interact.  Thankful to be held by grace that enables any of this to happen.

Third, the sweetest, most tangible picture of the hands and feet of Jesus.  I am beyond blessed and amazed.  These people, my people, here.  I was never alone, even when I had no idea what was going on.  Multiple friends were willing to stay the night with me.  They canceled plans, work shifts, family time, advocated and communicated for me, slept in hard hospital chairs, helped calm me down over and over again, talked to me, listened to me say I wanted to go home 1000 times, encouraged me, helped me be brave, held my hand, prayed and got people far and near to pray, played worship music for me, stayed with me to remind me I was not alone, opened their home to me, made me meals, checked in, man—I could go on and on.  I really can’t express the impact this has had and continues to have on my heart.  These gifts point to the beautiful Giver who loves more than I can imagine and corrects my distorted ways of thinking by showing His truth and love to me.  

All the grace.  All the feels.  What a week to process.  I am forever grateful for my Savior and the life He gives.  I am thankful for a wake-up call and reminder to not just go through the motions of daily life, but to joyfully breathe in the gift of life—on hard days and the best days alike.  Every week can be a “brave week” because He is our brave.         

  

“I can say every valley made me lift my eyes up; every burden only made me stronger.  Every sorrow only made Your joy go deeper and deeper.

I will run like I’m out to win and finish the race.  For every battle that’s sure to come, I will be brave.  I’ve got my heart set on every word You say, and no matter what lies ahead, You’ll make a way…

Every mountain is making me a climber; every giant is calling out a fighter.  Every heartache only makes Your love go deeper and deeper.  Deeper and deeper.”

~Meredith Andrews